'DON'T STAND ME DOWN' (Mercury 1985)

by CHRIS ROBERTS

'THIS IS WHAT SHE'S LIKE'
The magnum opus. Twelve and a half minutes long. Never a dull wotsit. The greatest record in the history of blah blah blah by anyone ever, blah, etc. No, but REALLY. This is the one. Those of us who GET IT still manage to look at each other embarrassed to discuss it with Kevin Rowland – like, not bad that "Guernica", Pablo, pleased with it yourself? Ten years on, I still cannot listen to this song just the once. It’s enough of a struggle to get past each of The Brilliant Bits without rewinding and having it again.

–All right Bill?
–All right.

It begins with desultory small talk between Kevin and Billy – a dry but frighteningly convincing everyday conversation between two blokes.

–Where've you been? See anyone down there? What were you all talking about before I came in? You weren't talking about ME, were you?
–No, honestly, no, I don't know where you got that idea from.

You can't quite believe this is occurring on such an important record, and how long they're letting it go. Commercial suicide, obviously, but the atmosphere is hitting new roofs of drama and suspense. Billy begins to demand a description of "What She's Like" and Kevin teases before letting fly, hammering the most bizarre and personal targets en route. The kind of people that put creases in their old Levis. That use expressions like tongue in cheek and send up (Sure, says Billy obediently, I know them). Well, I hate them, snarls Kevin, in so many words, I can't STAND people like that.

–Let me put it another way.
–Please do.

So he has a go at the English upper-class ("Thick and ignorant and not used to being with people"), the scum from Notting Hill and Mosely Hill they call the CND (this was WAY contrary and unfashionable at the time), the newly wealthy, peasants with their home bars and hi-fis...